Oh, Nur, I am deeply sorry you did not get the job. It just feels so close to me right now since honestly, I had no plan B for if I would not have gotten the job I recently applied for - and like you - put all my daydreaming and projections of a future into it.
I can relate to so many aspects of this post, like fantasizing about being a superhero as a child. And I think you just made me pinpoint that my main strategy to deal with disappointment is to do EVERYTHING that I am not a disappointment to anyone. I noticed this in your phrasing: “it’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility”.
As much as I try living by this philosophy, I also struggle with it at times: The pattern of trying to fix everything myself/being responsible for everything myself can also build up again in being disappointed in ourselves! Since we try so hard, and sometimes, healing and progress take way more time and resources than what we feel we have the capacity for. And we are back to “I will not succeed at anything. 🫠
So thank you so much for this post. I think I really need it right. The “How” sections are so valuable. I think I will save this post and re-read the How a few times in the coming weeks. And I feel I can still go a bit deeper in figuring out the “Expectations” part of my “Why”. 🤍
Another insightful post! And I’m glad to hear that when you read your own words, you occasionally stumble and wonder, wait, what did I write??? I do the same thing!!! I have yet to do a voiceover for any of my posts here on Substack, but it is a regular process for me to read my writing out loud as part of my editing process… Just to make sure it makes sense. Our brains hop over letters and words when we read in our head, so reading it out loud helps me figure out what I’ve missed or where my words don’t flow.
Couple months back, I applied for a job that was a stretch based on my past work experience. But I would’ve loved to have the job. All the things I would enjoy doing and in my hometown. But I didn’t have any experience and I was upfront with that on my cover letter. What I brought was: deep knowledge of our local community, experience that was parallel to job required tasks, and a motivation to give back to my community. I did not even get an interview. And that hurt. Even now, typing this truth is hard. So I obviously need to process it more. When those who knew I had applied for the job asked me about it, I simply said, “well you know, I didn’t have any experience, and they found a perfect candidate who has all the same qualities that I have, but the added quality of experience for the job.” And they did. They found a great person to fill the position. It just wasn’t me.
Fast-forward a couple months, and now my current job has been reduced from five days a week to one day a week. Not sustainable in the long term. But at least I still have employment (silver lining), and can collect under/unemployment (silver lining), and have more time to focus on bringing my first novel to publication (silver lining). But, man, it hurts to think I’m not valuable enough to be needed. They can cherry pick my time. And it still hurts even though I had already been looking for another job.
Looks like I need to go through some of your steps to deal with my disappointment in a healthy way. So thank you for your words!
I was reading your first paragraph and completely oblivious to what you were talking about until I realized you meant the voice over, lol!
yeah it's extra hard when people ask about it after the fact, right? it was one of the more annoying parts of this recent job rejection. they were all just being good friends but I just didn't want to go through the whole song and dance of it, again. I wish you the best in your search and hopefully you and I will be gainfully employed soon my friend
I go through what you go through but survive when i remember that who i really am within is Conscious Love and what is important is stay in tune with Loves intention and action forward.
I used to suck in dealing disappointment before.I’m not saying that I’m an expert now. But, I had this victim mindset that will make me blame myself and others when disappointed. Now, learning about self and the mind, I have more resources than before to handle it better. Whenever I’m feeling disappointed, this is the advice I give to myself:
“It is your responsibility to deal with this feeling. You’ve got two options. Either let go of the “why” or try again better next time.”
I take some time to process my thoughts and feelings and start looking for a way to act.
Popping in to say raising Samoyeds is hard. Really hard. And you did it with 2 puppies? My boy is now 3 and 1/2 and he’s just lovely. He was a rescue who came into my life when he was 18 months. No discipline. No socialization. No manners. As I had a rescue husky and a shepherd mix in my past I thought how different can a Samoyed be? Holy hell it was a long year of doubt and wondering if I was really up to the challenge. One day all of the training just clicked and he’s simply delightful now. Listens and has proper manners. My hats off to you. I think sometimes well meaning people with labs can’t understand that Samoyeds are different. Really sorry to hear your dog community didn’t offer the support you needed.
You have no idea how SEEN I feel after this. They're a much rarer breed so hardly anyone can relate. Thank you for rescuing a Sammy. They're extra loving and friendly that it makes me happy. I can't imagine what an untrained 18 month old must have been like, though. Full size and the same menace as a pup!
Hey Nur, thanks for sharing this. I think what I usually do when I’m disappointed with an outcome or situation is automatically go into problem solving mode and plow through it/move on to the next thing. Or I just remind myself that it’s one set back (of probably many) and I can do this! It usually works, but sometimes it doesn’t allow me the time to feel my feelings.
Lately, the only person capable of disappointing me is ME. So, what do I do? I slow down and breath, reconnect myself to Mother Earth (ground) and remember all is well. Patience is harder when you get older. Although we can die at any age, the odds are higher when you get up there. I am not afraid of dying, I just want to have mind boggling new experiences before I go.
I’m 47 and this is the first time I’m hearing about toxic positivity. I think we called people that were overly positive annoying, lol — I see your point though. I think people are often guarded and there’s a public image vs a private image. Publicly, you expressed a socially acceptable response to having seen your glasses shatter. Privately, and with time, your response is different. We are all like that. I’ve worked with very strong, emotionally guarded dudes, and when we’ve lost someone I wouldn’t call it toxic if we said they’re partying with St. Peter, or, hey, we don’t pay that asshole’s tab anymore. That’s just context.
When I feel immensely disappointed I take what I can learn from the situation and do my best to move on. I start with a couple first 🍻 Enjoyed the post Nur, cheers!
This post hits deep for me. It’s so easy to sit with the what ifs of how life might’ve been different if I knew how to handle disappointment when I was younger.
I listened to the audio instead of reading this time around because I didn’t have time, and it was awesome!
Everyone has a unique voice when they write but being able to hear your thoughts while you read through was refreshing :)
I’m glad you enjoyed the voice over!! I spent a lot of years envious at people who were taught things young or just seemed to know how to handle emotions at an age where I didn’t.
There’s a hard truth I’ll write about for Monday regarding this
Once again I have a LOT to say because as usual... you have evoked a lot of insight for me.
"This led to a lot of ‘if only they were, then I would…’ thinking. Just diabolically self-centered fantasizing that was doing nothing but pushing me further and further away from accepting my reality as it actually was."
Oh boy did I do this a lot before I actually woke up and realized that my then husband wasn't the only one fucking up my marriage. I even justified my cheating that way 🙄 tbh this was a really difficult pill to swallow. But now, it's better because I actually have a partner that will literally tell me "yo go look in the mirror rn" because I'm going back to those thoughts.
"I’m both a dreamer and a doer (anyone who says the two are mutually exclusive is a braindead moron). This means that when I go for what I want, my brain has the tendency of attaching all these fantasies and opportunities that would occur as a result of me getting the specific thing I wanted."
This has been much easier to undo after learning about manifestation and mindfulness. But boy did I do this forever and live in a constant state of disappointment covered by toxic positivity.
Expectations
Everything in that portion. Everything about it I understand and relate to.
"What a shame to feel the need to lie about my emotions. What a state of being it is to feel trapped in a prison of false positivity."
Ha. Imma write a restack note on this one because I was the QUEEN of intentionally trapping myself in that prison.
"It’s when excitement turns to extreme fantasizing and extreme anticipation that it becomes a problem. We’re setting ourselves up for the potential disappointment to hit us significantly harder. It’s self-sabotage. Remember self-sabotage often feels very good in the moment."
Idk why I never saw this as self sabotage but it 100% is. And that has been my #1 thing I've been trying to work on no longer doing. It's honestly harder NOT TO because I've been doing it for so long.
"Sometimes we just really need someone to listen and say ‘damn, that sucks’."
The best response someone ever gave me to telling them my kid died was "jeezus that is fucking shitty" I appreciated that more than the 1000 hearts and prayers bs
Like there is nothing you can do to change my situation. Just acknowledge it was awful and let's move forward.
"The reality is that disappointment is almost always activated by fear, and it is immensely beneficial to figure out what that root fear is."
I had to go fucking DEEP to figure out my root fears of some things. I'm so thankful for "it didn't start with you" because it most definitely accelerated finding them.
As always Nur, your writing is vulnerable, raw, real, and just organized so pleasing to this hyper structured brain 🧠
Thank you.
I'm so sorry you did not get the job. Shit like that blows. But I think we have a tendency to make it blow more than it might, by self sabotaging. I too was never taught how to handle disappointment or really any emotions tbh
It's so fucking hard to do that as an adult. I've made it a priority to teach my girls about emotions, the names of those emotions, the feels, and everything that I never got.
I listened to your article while driving yesterday from Milan to Belgium with the 2 puppies in the car and I felt so connected to you when you talked about one of the hardest things you ever did was raising your dogs!! Thanks for sharing Nur!! I'm experiencing the same early on in the puppy journey and I'm so happy I already know it's gonna be hard and that that is normal
It's interesting how we can set up ourselves for disappointment. I remember a while back I thought I had a job I applied for in the bag. Similar to you it was a long process, I past those screening tests and had interviews with the leadership. Surely I had it and then the dreams started. What a fall from grace I had when I didn't get the job. My expectation was what disapointed me. It was a hard lesson to learn but a good one none the less. Thanks for your post Nur.
Oh, Nur, I am deeply sorry you did not get the job. It just feels so close to me right now since honestly, I had no plan B for if I would not have gotten the job I recently applied for - and like you - put all my daydreaming and projections of a future into it.
I can relate to so many aspects of this post, like fantasizing about being a superhero as a child. And I think you just made me pinpoint that my main strategy to deal with disappointment is to do EVERYTHING that I am not a disappointment to anyone. I noticed this in your phrasing: “it’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility”.
As much as I try living by this philosophy, I also struggle with it at times: The pattern of trying to fix everything myself/being responsible for everything myself can also build up again in being disappointed in ourselves! Since we try so hard, and sometimes, healing and progress take way more time and resources than what we feel we have the capacity for. And we are back to “I will not succeed at anything. 🫠
So thank you so much for this post. I think I really need it right. The “How” sections are so valuable. I think I will save this post and re-read the How a few times in the coming weeks. And I feel I can still go a bit deeper in figuring out the “Expectations” part of my “Why”. 🤍
Another insightful post! And I’m glad to hear that when you read your own words, you occasionally stumble and wonder, wait, what did I write??? I do the same thing!!! I have yet to do a voiceover for any of my posts here on Substack, but it is a regular process for me to read my writing out loud as part of my editing process… Just to make sure it makes sense. Our brains hop over letters and words when we read in our head, so reading it out loud helps me figure out what I’ve missed or where my words don’t flow.
Couple months back, I applied for a job that was a stretch based on my past work experience. But I would’ve loved to have the job. All the things I would enjoy doing and in my hometown. But I didn’t have any experience and I was upfront with that on my cover letter. What I brought was: deep knowledge of our local community, experience that was parallel to job required tasks, and a motivation to give back to my community. I did not even get an interview. And that hurt. Even now, typing this truth is hard. So I obviously need to process it more. When those who knew I had applied for the job asked me about it, I simply said, “well you know, I didn’t have any experience, and they found a perfect candidate who has all the same qualities that I have, but the added quality of experience for the job.” And they did. They found a great person to fill the position. It just wasn’t me.
Fast-forward a couple months, and now my current job has been reduced from five days a week to one day a week. Not sustainable in the long term. But at least I still have employment (silver lining), and can collect under/unemployment (silver lining), and have more time to focus on bringing my first novel to publication (silver lining). But, man, it hurts to think I’m not valuable enough to be needed. They can cherry pick my time. And it still hurts even though I had already been looking for another job.
Looks like I need to go through some of your steps to deal with my disappointment in a healthy way. So thank you for your words!
I was reading your first paragraph and completely oblivious to what you were talking about until I realized you meant the voice over, lol!
yeah it's extra hard when people ask about it after the fact, right? it was one of the more annoying parts of this recent job rejection. they were all just being good friends but I just didn't want to go through the whole song and dance of it, again. I wish you the best in your search and hopefully you and I will be gainfully employed soon my friend
Ha! Yes, I meant in the voice over. And best of luck to you too on the job search!
♥️♥️♥️ I love your silver linings and congratulations on showing up for your novel!
I go through what you go through but survive when i remember that who i really am within is Conscious Love and what is important is stay in tune with Loves intention and action forward.
I used to suck in dealing disappointment before.I’m not saying that I’m an expert now. But, I had this victim mindset that will make me blame myself and others when disappointed. Now, learning about self and the mind, I have more resources than before to handle it better. Whenever I’m feeling disappointed, this is the advice I give to myself:
“It is your responsibility to deal with this feeling. You’ve got two options. Either let go of the “why” or try again better next time.”
I take some time to process my thoughts and feelings and start looking for a way to act.
Popping in to say raising Samoyeds is hard. Really hard. And you did it with 2 puppies? My boy is now 3 and 1/2 and he’s just lovely. He was a rescue who came into my life when he was 18 months. No discipline. No socialization. No manners. As I had a rescue husky and a shepherd mix in my past I thought how different can a Samoyed be? Holy hell it was a long year of doubt and wondering if I was really up to the challenge. One day all of the training just clicked and he’s simply delightful now. Listens and has proper manners. My hats off to you. I think sometimes well meaning people with labs can’t understand that Samoyeds are different. Really sorry to hear your dog community didn’t offer the support you needed.
You have no idea how SEEN I feel after this. They're a much rarer breed so hardly anyone can relate. Thank you for rescuing a Sammy. They're extra loving and friendly that it makes me happy. I can't imagine what an untrained 18 month old must have been like, though. Full size and the same menace as a pup!
Hey Nur, thanks for sharing this. I think what I usually do when I’m disappointed with an outcome or situation is automatically go into problem solving mode and plow through it/move on to the next thing. Or I just remind myself that it’s one set back (of probably many) and I can do this! It usually works, but sometimes it doesn’t allow me the time to feel my feelings.
I had to learn to express myself in terms of self. That means never using the “you” word that we use to slash those who are closest to us.
Bad example, “Hi, dear, sorry I’m home late but You never have dinner ready on time”
Expressing in terms of self, “Hi, dear, sorry I’m home late, I will endeavor to be home on time beginning tomorrow.”
Using the “you” word is like using a dagger.
Lately, the only person capable of disappointing me is ME. So, what do I do? I slow down and breath, reconnect myself to Mother Earth (ground) and remember all is well. Patience is harder when you get older. Although we can die at any age, the odds are higher when you get up there. I am not afraid of dying, I just want to have mind boggling new experiences before I go.
I’m 47 and this is the first time I’m hearing about toxic positivity. I think we called people that were overly positive annoying, lol — I see your point though. I think people are often guarded and there’s a public image vs a private image. Publicly, you expressed a socially acceptable response to having seen your glasses shatter. Privately, and with time, your response is different. We are all like that. I’ve worked with very strong, emotionally guarded dudes, and when we’ve lost someone I wouldn’t call it toxic if we said they’re partying with St. Peter, or, hey, we don’t pay that asshole’s tab anymore. That’s just context.
When I feel immensely disappointed I take what I can learn from the situation and do my best to move on. I start with a couple first 🍻 Enjoyed the post Nur, cheers!
This post hits deep for me. It’s so easy to sit with the what ifs of how life might’ve been different if I knew how to handle disappointment when I was younger.
I listened to the audio instead of reading this time around because I didn’t have time, and it was awesome!
Everyone has a unique voice when they write but being able to hear your thoughts while you read through was refreshing :)
I’m glad you enjoyed the voice over!! I spent a lot of years envious at people who were taught things young or just seemed to know how to handle emotions at an age where I didn’t.
There’s a hard truth I’ll write about for Monday regarding this
And I’m sorry that you didn’t get the job. I’ll pray that you get something better, Nur.😊
Once again I have a LOT to say because as usual... you have evoked a lot of insight for me.
"This led to a lot of ‘if only they were, then I would…’ thinking. Just diabolically self-centered fantasizing that was doing nothing but pushing me further and further away from accepting my reality as it actually was."
Oh boy did I do this a lot before I actually woke up and realized that my then husband wasn't the only one fucking up my marriage. I even justified my cheating that way 🙄 tbh this was a really difficult pill to swallow. But now, it's better because I actually have a partner that will literally tell me "yo go look in the mirror rn" because I'm going back to those thoughts.
"I’m both a dreamer and a doer (anyone who says the two are mutually exclusive is a braindead moron). This means that when I go for what I want, my brain has the tendency of attaching all these fantasies and opportunities that would occur as a result of me getting the specific thing I wanted."
This has been much easier to undo after learning about manifestation and mindfulness. But boy did I do this forever and live in a constant state of disappointment covered by toxic positivity.
Expectations
Everything in that portion. Everything about it I understand and relate to.
"What a shame to feel the need to lie about my emotions. What a state of being it is to feel trapped in a prison of false positivity."
Ha. Imma write a restack note on this one because I was the QUEEN of intentionally trapping myself in that prison.
"It’s when excitement turns to extreme fantasizing and extreme anticipation that it becomes a problem. We’re setting ourselves up for the potential disappointment to hit us significantly harder. It’s self-sabotage. Remember self-sabotage often feels very good in the moment."
Idk why I never saw this as self sabotage but it 100% is. And that has been my #1 thing I've been trying to work on no longer doing. It's honestly harder NOT TO because I've been doing it for so long.
"Sometimes we just really need someone to listen and say ‘damn, that sucks’."
The best response someone ever gave me to telling them my kid died was "jeezus that is fucking shitty" I appreciated that more than the 1000 hearts and prayers bs
Like there is nothing you can do to change my situation. Just acknowledge it was awful and let's move forward.
"The reality is that disappointment is almost always activated by fear, and it is immensely beneficial to figure out what that root fear is."
I had to go fucking DEEP to figure out my root fears of some things. I'm so thankful for "it didn't start with you" because it most definitely accelerated finding them.
As always Nur, your writing is vulnerable, raw, real, and just organized so pleasing to this hyper structured brain 🧠
Thank you.
I'm so sorry you did not get the job. Shit like that blows. But I think we have a tendency to make it blow more than it might, by self sabotaging. I too was never taught how to handle disappointment or really any emotions tbh
It's so fucking hard to do that as an adult. I've made it a priority to teach my girls about emotions, the names of those emotions, the feels, and everything that I never got.
I listened to your article while driving yesterday from Milan to Belgium with the 2 puppies in the car and I felt so connected to you when you talked about one of the hardest things you ever did was raising your dogs!! Thanks for sharing Nur!! I'm experiencing the same early on in the puppy journey and I'm so happy I already know it's gonna be hard and that that is normal
Here for you whenever you want to chat about it - for real
It's interesting how we can set up ourselves for disappointment. I remember a while back I thought I had a job I applied for in the bag. Similar to you it was a long process, I past those screening tests and had interviews with the leadership. Surely I had it and then the dreams started. What a fall from grace I had when I didn't get the job. My expectation was what disapointed me. It was a hard lesson to learn but a good one none the less. Thanks for your post Nur.
Oh, and I have a question, what are you using to create images that look like you? Midjourney?
I use the paid version of chatgpt for images because you can upload pictures and tell it to what to do from there
I wasn’t aware gpt did images.
Bear & Doge