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Fabienne Mannherz's avatar

Oh, Nur, I am deeply sorry you did not get the job. It just feels so close to me right now since honestly, I had no plan B for if I would not have gotten the job I recently applied for - and like you - put all my daydreaming and projections of a future into it.

I can relate to so many aspects of this post, like fantasizing about being a superhero as a child. And I think you just made me pinpoint that my main strategy to deal with disappointment is to do EVERYTHING that I am not a disappointment to anyone. I noticed this in your phrasing: “it’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility”.

As much as I try living by this philosophy, I also struggle with it at times: The pattern of trying to fix everything myself/being responsible for everything myself can also build up again in being disappointed in ourselves! Since we try so hard, and sometimes, healing and progress take way more time and resources than what we feel we have the capacity for. And we are back to “I will not succeed at anything. 🫠

So thank you so much for this post. I think I really need it right. The “How” sections are so valuable. I think I will save this post and re-read the How a few times in the coming weeks. And I feel I can still go a bit deeper in figuring out the “Expectations” part of my “Why”. 🤍

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𝐂𝐁 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧's avatar

Another insightful post! And I’m glad to hear that when you read your own words, you occasionally stumble and wonder, wait, what did I write??? I do the same thing!!! I have yet to do a voiceover for any of my posts here on Substack, but it is a regular process for me to read my writing out loud as part of my editing process… Just to make sure it makes sense. Our brains hop over letters and words when we read in our head, so reading it out loud helps me figure out what I’ve missed or where my words don’t flow.

Couple months back, I applied for a job that was a stretch based on my past work experience. But I would’ve loved to have the job. All the things I would enjoy doing and in my hometown. But I didn’t have any experience and I was upfront with that on my cover letter. What I brought was: deep knowledge of our local community, experience that was parallel to job required tasks, and a motivation to give back to my community. I did not even get an interview. And that hurt. Even now, typing this truth is hard. So I obviously need to process it more. When those who knew I had applied for the job asked me about it, I simply said, “well you know, I didn’t have any experience, and they found a perfect candidate who has all the same qualities that I have, but the added quality of experience for the job.” And they did. They found a great person to fill the position. It just wasn’t me.

Fast-forward a couple months, and now my current job has been reduced from five days a week to one day a week. Not sustainable in the long term. But at least I still have employment (silver lining), and can collect under/unemployment (silver lining), and have more time to focus on bringing my first novel to publication (silver lining). But, man, it hurts to think I’m not valuable enough to be needed. They can cherry pick my time. And it still hurts even though I had already been looking for another job.

Looks like I need to go through some of your steps to deal with my disappointment in a healthy way. So thank you for your words!

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