Wow Nur. Thank you for sharing your story. That took guts and is a testament to the journey you have been on. In my experience your five ideas are spot on. I think particularly the one of letting yourself feel what is going on. That is definitely in the "easy to say, hard to do" category. I don't want to say out loud how many years I spent retreating to the cave of "I'm fine" before I let myself face what I was really feeling. Sorry to recommend another 📖.🙂...but if you have not read it already I reckon it is worth a look on this issue and others... Dr David R. Hawkins Letting Go - The Pathway Of Surrender. Thanks again Nur. Beautiful beautiful writing and heart!
I'll add it to the list!!! :) Thanks for your words and support as always, Iain. Your comment here is inspiring me to maybe dedicate a whole article to 'feeling our feelings'. I used to convince myself that since I understood the idea, intellectually, that I must clearly be feeling my feelings. Although I have my issues with Alan Watts, something he said was actually what clicked with me in the end and helped me understand.
Thank you, I am adding it to my list, too. I am a hyper functional avoidance perfectionist - until the moments where anxiety and the TS monster join armed forces 😂
I’d like to join the chorus of affirming and appreciative readers who have read your story! Thank you for posting such a vulnerable piece. And for the record…
“It’s completely normal to be sitting there and have a memory come up that makes us cringe. It’s an uncomfortable feeling but if we live our lives with intention, we can pause, realize that we’re experiencing a growing pain, and honor the moment. We can’t look back on a behavior and have a shameful reaction if we haven’t grown beyond the person we were in the memory.”
…is such an eloquent way of expressing self-compassion.
I totally agree, I read this section multiple times. Few times with more like the major guilt themes.
But then also with the minor ones. I thought like “huh, so actually true, if I get this slight feeling of having said or done something that does not sit well with my values afterwards, rather an overthinking how the person might have took it, I could focus on the fact that I grew a bit by realising that I did not like MYSELF in that moment no matter if the other person liked me or even noticed anything. And then move past it knowing I learned something about myself.
This is a lovely reflection. Wouldn’t the world be a much different place if some people would simply pause for a moment to consider what they (and even others) learn about themselves following their actions?
Nur, thank you for your willingness to be so vulnerable in sharing your experience. I imagine your writing is part of your healing, as it is ours to read.
I want to offer one thought. You mentioned in a previous post being Syrian-American. My father was Syrian. His parents were born in Damascus and Aleppo. while and his siblings were born in the US. Unlike your family, his family was Christian. As I read your experience of shame, I remembered countless examples from my past in which my father either felt shame (and did not do well with that) or tried to make me feel shame. In the latter, he was only successful in helping instill shame's cousin, guilt. Ages ago I found a book for him: "The Arab Mind." Just reading the Table of Contents, I knew it was him. He loved it, and said he learned more about himself in that one book than he ever knew before. You write about Muslim shame and I wonder if there is something beyond religion that is prevalent in Syrian culture - at least within the generation of our parents and further back. Culture shapes us. We can choose how to respond to it.
I really appreciate this, Cathy. It means more coming from someone, specifically Syrian, who has first hand experience (whether it was watching your dad or you having to go through it as well). That book sounds really good and I’ll order it today. Thank you
Ironically, I never read it myself, and I am drawn to finally do so. I'd love to know what you think of the book if you read it. It will be interesting to see if it stands the test of time. I hope so.
As another commenter said, thanks for subscribing to my almost non-existent substack, because I would never have known you existed otherwise. As a 76 year old woman who still (despite decades of therapy) still daily carries the scars of childhood, I can attest that there is healing in your advice/experience. EMDR was a blessing for me. The other most healing process for me was that of working the AA 12 steps (up to step 9, lol) -- I learned accountability, humility, acceptance, compassion, letting go, and gratitude. That was 12 years ago. While I have become a confirmed atheist, I will always be grateful to AA for the growth and friends it gave me.
Lastly, your artwork! Wow! Is that your own creation? It is so expressive, emotional, humorous, loving, skillfully done, colorful... Love the dog!
This is very well written and full of good information. After I retired I began having nightmares that would wake me up and then my mind would go to some really dark areas of regret, guilt, and self loathing. Suicidal ideation led me to seek help. I’m better now but I certainly understand what you were feeling. The source of our PTSD was different but the symptoms are similar. I am glad that you are doing better. Thanks for having the courage to write. I’m certain that someone will benefit from it.
Thanks Joel! I appreciate you saying that and it certainly inspires me to continue with personal essay writing. I'm glad you're doing better as well. PTSD is a complicated beast and quite frankly I dont think there's enough awareness for it.
Wow- this was excellent. I was going through my mind of who I could send it to because you did such a fantastic job explaining your experience in such a digestible, relatable way. Great suggestions. I personally use them all. Parts work is also amazing for healing shame.
Thank you for following me. Had you not, I never would have found you. This post was timely in my life and I admire your vulnerability. I spoke about this recently, that I respect a vulnerable man, and here you are. I listened to your voice over versus reading because hearing your voice speak this epic truth was humbling for me as a woman who tends to ask a lot of a man (and everyone) in terms of being vulnerable (I'm tired of deception so I ask for truth--and I try to return in kind when he gives this level of truth) however I rarely get this kind of vulnerability in my life from people. If you read my stuff, you can see that I'm honest about who I am. I was made to hide who I was most of my life so I've broken out of that by no longer hiding. Thank you. Wholeheartedly, thank you Nur.
Thank you for the kind words, Elizabeth. It's certainly challenging because of the amount of feedback we receive telling us to avoid vulnerability at all costs but it's worth it in the end. I'll take a look at your stuff sometime for sure :)
Well, I pray you find and surround yourself with people who celebrate this vulnerable aspect of yourself and who can give in return what you give them. This part of you should be protected. In my life story, shame was used as a nasty control mechanism and since I'm working to break free of my controllers, shame is at the top of the list of things that need to go. By the way, I once dated a middle eastern (from Kuwait) deeply narcissistic man. Him alone, what he did to me, was awful but when I turned my own life around, I took what he did to me and have used it to help others recognize it in their own relationships. You, in a way, are part of the healing for me from what he did. I know that sounds a touch nutty but then...that's me! :) Also, I appreciate you sharing the cultural aspects of how you came to be because it helps me understand you and other Muslim men better. My ex brother in law (also from the middle east) was a wonderful man however because of the cultural differences I now, through you, have a better understanding of some things about him. You have blessed my day, Nur!
Hey Nur, this is an awesome post! I can't tell you how many times I've had toxic shame in front of my family. There are a lot of pent up emotions we have that have never been let out naturally through therapy, so sometimes we all have toxic shame toward each other and we don't know how to address it so we always blame each other. Thank you so much for mentioning journaling. I've been getting more into that and writing has always been my therapy through those situations. It's made me more self-aware and able to face my feelings head on. Thank you so much for posting this! Your newsletter is awesome by the way! Just subscribed! :)
I know we spoke yesterday, but I just realized I never saw this!! Thank you Khadejah and I agree completely with the family stuff. It seems particularly challenging to address with them, especially when we come from more therapy averse cultures!
Exactly Nur! It's 10x harder with a family that doesn't really believe in therapy! But we find ways to push through it by setting boundaries. I think that's a good start a least lol. :)
Learning to do all the things you've listened, has been by far one of the hardest things I have ever done. I spent most of my life with the TS monster on my back. But the first time I truly fell, was around 17 and it took me until 29 to undo all of it ♥️ thank you for sharing your very vulnerable story!
For sure. I think ‘feeling our feelings’ was the hardest one for me for so long and still probably is. The one I want to write for Monday’s letter is all about feeling your feelings but I’m not sure if I’m ready to go there yet
Oh god the feeling of feelings one has been SO FUCKING hard for me. It's like trying to learn Latin.
I think you should do it. If you have a little voice or even a big voice in your head saying it to you, then you need to do it. That's the rule according to the law. 🙊🙊
Nur, first, I am moved by your story and vulnerability. Further, once again, I am deeply impressed by your stamina and will to reflect, heal, actually do the work. And then your unique way of sharing it. Love your writing, your voice over and your images. The dog spa is a master piece in all this composition 😂
On a personal note, I can relate so much! Not to your individual story. But the way you describe the shame attacks. I think your writing actually helps me in understanding, sense making and maybe therefore moving beyond the fear of avoidance and starting to feel it. I always thought these are what somewhat qualifies as anxiety attacks. But your description of a shame attack fits my bodily sensations, cringing position, thoughts and behaviour towards others 100% 😳 I think I just got a free but invaluable therapy session from you 🥰🥹
Thank you as always Fabienne. Writing these pieces is made worth it when I receive such in depth and meaningful feedback such as yours 😊 I’d say a shame attack would perhaps be under the anxiety attack umbrella but just a more specific version of it. For me, it’s always helped to specify in this way to be able to get closer to root causes
Ohh wow, and they are having a blast, sipping on Aperol Spritzes, while watching those foolish targets of their cruelty drowning in the shallow rip tides of the North Sea!
You stand up for yourself and if that doesn’t fix anything, it’s up to you to distance yourself from them. No one like that is going to change unless they take the first step of their own accord so what’s the point in sticking around. Boundaries
Hi Nur! Thank you for putting in the effort to write out your experiences and insights, and share them with us. It can’t be easy, but it’s incredibly healing I hope, and super helpful for others. In your story, I recognize my ex-husband (I guess that makes me the girlfriend who left). But I also see hope for him. That matters a lot to me, as he is also the father of my child, and as happy as I am to be out of that relationship, it’s painful to see him mired in his own TS. I want him to move on and find happiness. But there is so much healing for him to do, and unfortunately I can’t be the one to help him through it. Thank you, again, for being so vulnerable with us; it’s very inspiring. It sounds like you’ve come a long way.✊🏽
I appreciate the kind words, Nida. I’m not sure there’s anything anyone can do to help someone through it. I only ever made massive leaps forward in my mental health journey when I would lose people. Otherwise, it can look a lot like ‘well they’re still here no matter what I do so whatever’.
I wish him the best for your sake and hope he finds what it is he needs to make forward progress :)
Wow Nur. Thank you for sharing your story. That took guts and is a testament to the journey you have been on. In my experience your five ideas are spot on. I think particularly the one of letting yourself feel what is going on. That is definitely in the "easy to say, hard to do" category. I don't want to say out loud how many years I spent retreating to the cave of "I'm fine" before I let myself face what I was really feeling. Sorry to recommend another 📖.🙂...but if you have not read it already I reckon it is worth a look on this issue and others... Dr David R. Hawkins Letting Go - The Pathway Of Surrender. Thanks again Nur. Beautiful beautiful writing and heart!
I'll add it to the list!!! :) Thanks for your words and support as always, Iain. Your comment here is inspiring me to maybe dedicate a whole article to 'feeling our feelings'. I used to convince myself that since I understood the idea, intellectually, that I must clearly be feeling my feelings. Although I have my issues with Alan Watts, something he said was actually what clicked with me in the end and helped me understand.
Yep...Alan Watts... a man of contradictions.
Thank you, I am adding it to my list, too. I am a hyper functional avoidance perfectionist - until the moments where anxiety and the TS monster join armed forces 😂
Thank you for being so vulnerable! It’s inspiring
Thanks for saying that Julia! It takes a lot out of me while writing so I’m glad it’s having a helpful impact
I’m not surprised! Being authentic is often harder than having a mask on
I LOVE ALL THESE DOGGIE PICTURES 😍😍😍😍😍
me too lol. choosing to brand with dogs is a decision that makes me happy hahaha
I’d like to join the chorus of affirming and appreciative readers who have read your story! Thank you for posting such a vulnerable piece. And for the record…
“It’s completely normal to be sitting there and have a memory come up that makes us cringe. It’s an uncomfortable feeling but if we live our lives with intention, we can pause, realize that we’re experiencing a growing pain, and honor the moment. We can’t look back on a behavior and have a shameful reaction if we haven’t grown beyond the person we were in the memory.”
…is such an eloquent way of expressing self-compassion.
Thanks so much for saying that, Kert! I honestly wouldn’t have recognized that as such until you pointed it out for me. Made me feel great - thank you
I totally agree, I read this section multiple times. Few times with more like the major guilt themes.
But then also with the minor ones. I thought like “huh, so actually true, if I get this slight feeling of having said or done something that does not sit well with my values afterwards, rather an overthinking how the person might have took it, I could focus on the fact that I grew a bit by realising that I did not like MYSELF in that moment no matter if the other person liked me or even noticed anything. And then move past it knowing I learned something about myself.
This is a lovely reflection. Wouldn’t the world be a much different place if some people would simply pause for a moment to consider what they (and even others) learn about themselves following their actions?
Yes, it certainly would!
Nur, thank you for your willingness to be so vulnerable in sharing your experience. I imagine your writing is part of your healing, as it is ours to read.
I want to offer one thought. You mentioned in a previous post being Syrian-American. My father was Syrian. His parents were born in Damascus and Aleppo. while and his siblings were born in the US. Unlike your family, his family was Christian. As I read your experience of shame, I remembered countless examples from my past in which my father either felt shame (and did not do well with that) or tried to make me feel shame. In the latter, he was only successful in helping instill shame's cousin, guilt. Ages ago I found a book for him: "The Arab Mind." Just reading the Table of Contents, I knew it was him. He loved it, and said he learned more about himself in that one book than he ever knew before. You write about Muslim shame and I wonder if there is something beyond religion that is prevalent in Syrian culture - at least within the generation of our parents and further back. Culture shapes us. We can choose how to respond to it.
I really appreciate this, Cathy. It means more coming from someone, specifically Syrian, who has first hand experience (whether it was watching your dad or you having to go through it as well). That book sounds really good and I’ll order it today. Thank you
Ironically, I never read it myself, and I am drawn to finally do so. I'd love to know what you think of the book if you read it. It will be interesting to see if it stands the test of time. I hope so.
As another commenter said, thanks for subscribing to my almost non-existent substack, because I would never have known you existed otherwise. As a 76 year old woman who still (despite decades of therapy) still daily carries the scars of childhood, I can attest that there is healing in your advice/experience. EMDR was a blessing for me. The other most healing process for me was that of working the AA 12 steps (up to step 9, lol) -- I learned accountability, humility, acceptance, compassion, letting go, and gratitude. That was 12 years ago. While I have become a confirmed atheist, I will always be grateful to AA for the growth and friends it gave me.
Lastly, your artwork! Wow! Is that your own creation? It is so expressive, emotional, humorous, loving, skillfully done, colorful... Love the dog!
Thanks for putting yourself out there ☺️
The steps are great and I’m so glad emdr was able to be such a help to you!! The artwork is AI so I can’t take any credit there 😝
This is very well written and full of good information. After I retired I began having nightmares that would wake me up and then my mind would go to some really dark areas of regret, guilt, and self loathing. Suicidal ideation led me to seek help. I’m better now but I certainly understand what you were feeling. The source of our PTSD was different but the symptoms are similar. I am glad that you are doing better. Thanks for having the courage to write. I’m certain that someone will benefit from it.
Thanks Joel! I appreciate you saying that and it certainly inspires me to continue with personal essay writing. I'm glad you're doing better as well. PTSD is a complicated beast and quite frankly I dont think there's enough awareness for it.
It’s certainly under-diagnosed in physicians . There are four areas that are at higher risk:
1) ER physicians from seeing so much gore and death
2) Rural physicians from overworking
3) Physicians being sued
4) Feelings of guilt for bad outcomes. The physician is known as the second victim. It can be a cumulative effect over many years.
I can only imagine. So many underrepresented groups in the world of mental health
Wow- this was excellent. I was going through my mind of who I could send it to because you did such a fantastic job explaining your experience in such a digestible, relatable way. Great suggestions. I personally use them all. Parts work is also amazing for healing shame.
Thank you so much for the kind words, Lynn!
Thank you for following me. Had you not, I never would have found you. This post was timely in my life and I admire your vulnerability. I spoke about this recently, that I respect a vulnerable man, and here you are. I listened to your voice over versus reading because hearing your voice speak this epic truth was humbling for me as a woman who tends to ask a lot of a man (and everyone) in terms of being vulnerable (I'm tired of deception so I ask for truth--and I try to return in kind when he gives this level of truth) however I rarely get this kind of vulnerability in my life from people. If you read my stuff, you can see that I'm honest about who I am. I was made to hide who I was most of my life so I've broken out of that by no longer hiding. Thank you. Wholeheartedly, thank you Nur.
Thank you for the kind words, Elizabeth. It's certainly challenging because of the amount of feedback we receive telling us to avoid vulnerability at all costs but it's worth it in the end. I'll take a look at your stuff sometime for sure :)
Well, I pray you find and surround yourself with people who celebrate this vulnerable aspect of yourself and who can give in return what you give them. This part of you should be protected. In my life story, shame was used as a nasty control mechanism and since I'm working to break free of my controllers, shame is at the top of the list of things that need to go. By the way, I once dated a middle eastern (from Kuwait) deeply narcissistic man. Him alone, what he did to me, was awful but when I turned my own life around, I took what he did to me and have used it to help others recognize it in their own relationships. You, in a way, are part of the healing for me from what he did. I know that sounds a touch nutty but then...that's me! :) Also, I appreciate you sharing the cultural aspects of how you came to be because it helps me understand you and other Muslim men better. My ex brother in law (also from the middle east) was a wonderful man however because of the cultural differences I now, through you, have a better understanding of some things about him. You have blessed my day, Nur!
Hey Nur, this is an awesome post! I can't tell you how many times I've had toxic shame in front of my family. There are a lot of pent up emotions we have that have never been let out naturally through therapy, so sometimes we all have toxic shame toward each other and we don't know how to address it so we always blame each other. Thank you so much for mentioning journaling. I've been getting more into that and writing has always been my therapy through those situations. It's made me more self-aware and able to face my feelings head on. Thank you so much for posting this! Your newsletter is awesome by the way! Just subscribed! :)
I know we spoke yesterday, but I just realized I never saw this!! Thank you Khadejah and I agree completely with the family stuff. It seems particularly challenging to address with them, especially when we come from more therapy averse cultures!
Exactly Nur! It's 10x harder with a family that doesn't really believe in therapy! But we find ways to push through it by setting boundaries. I think that's a good start a least lol. :)
Learning to do all the things you've listened, has been by far one of the hardest things I have ever done. I spent most of my life with the TS monster on my back. But the first time I truly fell, was around 17 and it took me until 29 to undo all of it ♥️ thank you for sharing your very vulnerable story!
For sure. I think ‘feeling our feelings’ was the hardest one for me for so long and still probably is. The one I want to write for Monday’s letter is all about feeling your feelings but I’m not sure if I’m ready to go there yet
Oh god the feeling of feelings one has been SO FUCKING hard for me. It's like trying to learn Latin.
I think you should do it. If you have a little voice or even a big voice in your head saying it to you, then you need to do it. That's the rule according to the law. 🙊🙊
I mean, if that’s the law…… 😛
Nur, first, I am moved by your story and vulnerability. Further, once again, I am deeply impressed by your stamina and will to reflect, heal, actually do the work. And then your unique way of sharing it. Love your writing, your voice over and your images. The dog spa is a master piece in all this composition 😂
On a personal note, I can relate so much! Not to your individual story. But the way you describe the shame attacks. I think your writing actually helps me in understanding, sense making and maybe therefore moving beyond the fear of avoidance and starting to feel it. I always thought these are what somewhat qualifies as anxiety attacks. But your description of a shame attack fits my bodily sensations, cringing position, thoughts and behaviour towards others 100% 😳 I think I just got a free but invaluable therapy session from you 🥰🥹
And yes I agree - The dog spa is incredible 😂
Thank you as always Fabienne. Writing these pieces is made worth it when I receive such in depth and meaningful feedback such as yours 😊 I’d say a shame attack would perhaps be under the anxiety attack umbrella but just a more specific version of it. For me, it’s always helped to specify in this way to be able to get closer to root causes
Yeah, I figure that it belongs to anxiety. My phrasing was a bit off there. But shame attack makes it more targeted and maybe manageable 😊
Perhaps we could agree that shame attacks sit in the strandkorb of anxiety 😅
Ohh wow, and they are having a blast, sipping on Aperol Spritzes, while watching those foolish targets of their cruelty drowning in the shallow rip tides of the North Sea!
Love the visual 🤣
Thank yo ufor sharing this. I admire the vulnerability.
Thanks for reading, nezuko’s mom!!!
What about the ways in which other people use toxic shame against us to blame, control, demean, bully, and subdue us?
You stand up for yourself and if that doesn’t fix anything, it’s up to you to distance yourself from them. No one like that is going to change unless they take the first step of their own accord so what’s the point in sticking around. Boundaries
Takes a lot of courage to do this my friend, amazing!
Hi Nur! Thank you for putting in the effort to write out your experiences and insights, and share them with us. It can’t be easy, but it’s incredibly healing I hope, and super helpful for others. In your story, I recognize my ex-husband (I guess that makes me the girlfriend who left). But I also see hope for him. That matters a lot to me, as he is also the father of my child, and as happy as I am to be out of that relationship, it’s painful to see him mired in his own TS. I want him to move on and find happiness. But there is so much healing for him to do, and unfortunately I can’t be the one to help him through it. Thank you, again, for being so vulnerable with us; it’s very inspiring. It sounds like you’ve come a long way.✊🏽
Also, ✊🏽
I appreciate the kind words, Nida. I’m not sure there’s anything anyone can do to help someone through it. I only ever made massive leaps forward in my mental health journey when I would lose people. Otherwise, it can look a lot like ‘well they’re still here no matter what I do so whatever’.
I wish him the best for your sake and hope he finds what it is he needs to make forward progress :)
Thank you!🙏🏼