So, you want to start a support group?

How I used Substack alone to create a thriving support group and how you can, too.

Apes together strong

Substack’s penchant for building relationships and communities remains amongst the most incredible things about the platform. I’ve personally made so many friends and connections in only a year’s time, something people claim is impossible in your 30s, and I’ve succeeded in creating what I’ll call a ‘support group’. I left support group in quotations there because at this point, almost one year after its creation, it’s really just a weekly two hour hang out amongst eight friends who discuss different ideas. It really is an incredible thing that I remain in awe of. Amongst the people I speak to on a daily and weekly basis, those of whom I met on Substack now occupy a decently large percentage.

In the midst of that oft repeated soundbite known as ‘loneliness epidemic’, I want to show you how simple it is to build relationships online and, more specifically, through Substack, by sharing the story of how I created my Men’s Group. To sum it up quickly, it’s a group for male vulnerability where we meet weekly to discuss a specific topic, a new one each week. Our ultimate goal is to help each other become better men through genuine, vulnerable conversation. I’m consistently in awe of how everyone continues to show up with so much respect, bravery, and rawness, week after week. Our only rules are:

• be respectful

• complete anonymity outside the meetings

• no woman bashing

• leave the incel garbage at the door

Luckily, with the kind of guys this group is comprised of, I doubt it was necessary to set those rules in the first place. Before I run the risk of glazing the bros a bit too much, let’s go ahead and discuss how I was able to get this done and what the whole process consisted of.

1. Lead by example

Starting on Substack was a very organic journey for me. I started by releasing an essay a week, posting daily on Notes, and trying my best to meet other people on here. I didn’t have many writer friends, and there was a part of me that was used to being the writer in my inner circles, and I really wanted to break away from the possessiveness I held over that title. Being on here and engaging with others’ works really helped break away from that, and I felt very welcome by most who I met on here.

The acceptance for the essays and Notes I was writing felt pretty great and it absolutely encouraged me to share the more raw, visceral shit I’d been writing for myself and not putting out there. This involved writing about my mental health challenges, struggles with religion and masculinity, feelings of failure regarding my current position in life, addiction battles, and so on. Was I not nervous about putting this out there? Of course I was! It’s a scary thought that anyone can find the least hidden website in the world (my first name and my last name dot com) and discover my most sincere thoughts and dig up sentences containing my most damning shames. As we all know by now, I did it anyways. Perhaps a cliche at this point, but I was blown away by not only how this made me feel considerably more accepted, but also by how I found my inbox filled with people who felt extremely similarly and had become inspired after reading my work.

I was definitely surprised by how many people my work had touched, but perhaps less surprised that the majority of them were men. A lot of men feel incredibly lost and unable to express their anguish due to rules they were taught regarding what a man is. Unsurprisingly, a lot of those rules revolved around never feeling ‘unmanly’ emotions and certainly never expressing them. I’m not going to dive too deep on the issues of modern masculinity in this piece, but I’ll sum it up by saying: men are constantly looking for community, brotherhood, and comradery; a place they can fully be themselves without judgement.

2. Send out a feeler and do your research

I knew of the power of support groups / community to help us grow so I decided to throw out a feeler. It was a simple Note that stated: Would anyone be interested in joining a men’s group? The next day, that note was STACKED with replies and my inbox was bursting at the seams. I had almost 100 people interested in joining such a community.

Part of me was like ‘ah, shit. what have I gotten myself into here?’ Another part of me was really excited about taking on this challenge. I already had some brief experience in what such a group should entail, but I scoured the internet and read countless articles on group formats, potential discussion topics, how to properly facilitate meetings, and so on.

From there, I … dropped the idea and procrastinated. I was intimidated by the whole concept. People tend to think all of this came super easily to me and yada yada yada, but no, leading something like this was brand new to me and with that came a lot of nerves. Luckily, a now group member messaged me asking about it. If he hadn’t, I’m honestly not sure if I’d have seen this thing through. Shout out to you, random anonymous man.

3. Lock in your platform, your format, and schedule

For the men’s group, I knew it was crucial that we used at least a voice chat. Eventually, it evolved into everyone being on video, but it started as a voice mandatory, video optional meeting. Point being, we had to move off of Substack.

I knew this process was going to be annoying and that we’d lose a few people with the move, but it ultimately worked out way better than I expected it to. For platform options, the ones that typically come to mind are Zoom and Discord, so I’d suggest choosing a popular and accessible platform like those two. I chose Discord because you can do voice, video, and chat channels for the days we weren’t meeting; it was absolutely perfect for what we wanted.

Once you’ve moved your flock over to a platform of choice, it’s time for everyone to agree on a time. Expectedly, we once again lost a significant amount of people here. It was too bad, but ultimately for the best, as you’re about to find out.

When it came to scheduling, it was always going to be a once-a-week type of deal, but I was never sure what the appropriate amount of time allotted would be. It started out being an hour long, but it became incredibly clear that we’d need more time. Two hours ended up being perfects for us.

As far as format is concerned, it’s going to be a fluid, adapt as you go, type of deal. I started with a specific format that I’d researched and then sought out feedback from the group members as time went on. I incorporated that feedback to the best of my abilities and it took about four months or so to really get to one that all of us were very happy with. Don’t be afraid to experiment and ask for feedback!

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As mentioned above, it’s now been almost a year of consistent weekly meetings with such an incredible group of guys, and it’s been an absolute pleasure growing alongside them. I just see them as my friends at this point and I’m really lucky to be able to hang out with them weekly.

If anyone reading decides to pursue something like this of their own, please don’t hesitate to reach out! I’d love to help in any way that I can.

Thanks for reading, loves! Until next time :)