I wrote a lot in my re-stack but I wanted to drop something a tad bit more personal here :)
The part where you talked about how you are worried you will traumatize your children...
I have some really shitty news for you... no matter HOW MUCH work you do on yourself, you will probably have a moment where you "relapse". Even worse, a lot of things that can impact your child's well being can happen in the womb where you have ZERO control.
This is a topic my therapist and I have discussed in stupid amounts of detail. And I've finally come to terms with the fact that:
A. I can't be perfect all the time, but I can be consistent
B. I had zero knowledge of my issues and the challenges of being hella depressed while pregnant would have on my 2nd child.
C. Our kids give us WAY more grace than we think.
But I will also point out that even if you snap, lose your temper, go crazy, say stupid shit... you are already MUCH different than the environment you were raised in. I bet you your parents never apologized when they fucked up (if they even admitted it). But we will. I do constantly. I own up to my mistakes and show my children what it means to properly apologize. Showing them that you can fuck up and that doesn't make you a bad human.
This teaches compassion, kindness, humility, and LOVE. They way WE love/will love our children is so drastically different than the way we were "loved" as children.
This is one measure of success you should have no fear in.
Go jump on tinder and maybe you'll find your girl... that's how I put a spell on my man... woops
That you write about your journey (and the pizza sabotage) so wonderfully is a joy and a hope. Thanks Nur. I also just want to agree with Taylor's comment. The fact that you are worried about traumatising your kids (why do Americans always misspell traumatise 🙂) is probably the reason you won't...or at least...no more than their path calls them to navigate. It is the nature of being a parent that your children will need to learn how to forgive you, for your mistakes...or should I say...for being human.
yeah, I'm inclined to agree at this point. I'm sure they'll be upset with me for more petty things but nothing quite unforgivable. My dogs like me well enough, anyway!
Powerful self-awareness here! I think my biggest self-sabotage is to expect rejection. This leads to not doing what I want to do. I think it is a bad habit that got installed in a childhood where there was a lot of rejection. I'm working on seeing life differently.
Your illustrations are awesome...is this Dall-E? Midjourney? Something else?
You are very aware of the kind of parent you do not want to be, and that is a very good thing. You know what to look out for and can pause before modeling the behavior you experienced in your family. That’s an awareness your parents most probably did not have.
I don’t believe that I procrastinate due to a fear of success. I procrastinate when something is very important to me. I have a fear of doing it wrong or in some other way blow my one opportunity for success. Logically, I know that is not true, but I tend to overthink and angst before finally feeling comfortable enough to move forward. When something is not important, I am fearless and act quickly. Fortunately, I am getting better….
Thanks for sharing Cathy. I agree, it never really felt like they pondered much on what kidn of parent they'd be in an ideal situation. I've spoken to my dad about it in more recent years and he just always assumed that what his dad did was the correct thing to do.
My mother was so toxic. I haven’t spoken to her since she ruined my nieces funeral (that’s a story) then accused me to family that I never told her my daughter died (that’s another sorry. Thank god for call logs). I know I carry a lot of her personality traits and it used to terrify me when I had kids, that it would trickle down. But I look at it this way. I’m cognizant of it. And you will be too. And that makes all the difference in the entire world.
Taylor is right. It’s ok to mess up. I teach that to my kids too. What’s important is ; did you apologize? Are you working towards a solution?
That sounds like a nightmare. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that Courtney. Yeah, I'm getting the impression that the things I HAVENT been able to forgive completely yet are not things that I would likely do, anyways
I look at it this way. I don’t have to engage. But I know it comes from a place of hurt and sadness she doesn’t know how to deal with. When I was younger I used to get mad instead of accepting sadness as an emotion. I have to make sure I watch it and teach my children to deal with thier emotions in healthy ways
Hey Nur, this was an awesome read! As someone who recently started learning and implementing self compassion, this hits home for me. I really loved how you highlighted that procrastination is often a fear of success because I believe that’s one of the reasons why I procrastinated writing consistently. It required me to get out of my comfort zone and I was afraid of the responsibilities of success that would come with it. But I also had to do a lot of self evaluation to find out if writing was really my passion or not in order to break that fear. Thank you so much for sharing this! I feel like a lot of breaking our comfort zone and overcoming our fears is about figuring out what we actually want in life and from there, things get a little easier. ❤️💪
Thank you for being so vulnerable, Nur! And what great realizations around being afraid of success. I so can relate!
While reading your article, I was reminded of a book called "YES YES HELL NO" by Brian Whetten. Basically, Brian suggests our best goals are the ones where both our intuition and reason say YES, while our fear says "HELL NO."
In other words, it's so common to fear what we want. I have found that to be such a useful framing.
I'm new here...and I'm only half way through this piece but I needed to jump in RIGHT NOW.
1. You write with an elegance that makes me feel like I should not be reading in my wrinkled PJs. Your vocabulary is stunning-i've needed to use the dictionary 2x already.
2. It looks like everyone already weighed in on this BUT I STILL NEED TO JUMP ON THE BANDWAGON: "What if the stresses of certain moments activate not only the chaos loving side, but a side I don’t know about that will replicate exactly how my parents treated me?"
I was JUST talking about this VERY thing yesterday. I too, want to protect my precious, unscarred, chick-chick of a son, from this DOOM.
I think the fact that we are aware of it helps, and also- we get to create the environments our children grow up in. Yes there will be love, and yes there will also be other feels. It's all about making sure that we all feel safe enough to express those true colors. That's something I didn't have growing up. From reading half of your piece alone, I am pretty sure you score Expert at crafting safe spaces to show up in. You've got this in the bag.
My self-sabotage is always stopping right before a good thing becomes a habit. Starting to go to the gym regularly, I stop going. Drawing for five weeks in a row, stop drawing. Updating regularly on social media, starting gain a following, stop updating. Anytime I start to see the success of my efforts, that's when I stop. And it's been years of this rodeo. I loved this piece, thank you
I was always afraid I’d fuck kids up so I didn’t have them. Now I’m sad I didn’t (even though I can’t anyway) and it probably sounds weird but seeing how much my dogs have grown my heart has shown me that I probably would’ve been a good mom. I’m sure I’d mess up. All parents do, but I think the most important thing is having good intentions and open communication.
My big one is the sleep issues. I never knew there was a name for it in the Sleep Rebellion syndrome, but that's exactly what I have struggled with since earliest memory, which would be about 3.. Combine it with a body clock that wants to be working the 3 - 11 shift, Corporate has always been tough for me.
My sleep pattern was happiest when I was in the field as a Paramedic. We worked 24 hour shifts and the sleep is chaotic (at best) so it reflects your theme.
Your illustrations are wonderful, and make me realize I have your dog in my avatar...which I've imported from other places and have had for awhile.. Your dog is the corporeal embodiment of my fantasy dog!
Still, between that and your writing, you seem a kindred spirit whose Chaos is used for Good. I would encourage you to push past that 2 year relationship timeline that I feel you must have and let yourself flow peacefully into uncharted waters.
You have a dog. You are clearly able to sustain a loving relationship. Ones with people are weird as fuck, but if you've always gotten out of them, then the action that shoots yourself in the foot would be to remain and work on it. Right? Rebellion can be useful.
I wrote a lot in my re-stack but I wanted to drop something a tad bit more personal here :)
The part where you talked about how you are worried you will traumatize your children...
I have some really shitty news for you... no matter HOW MUCH work you do on yourself, you will probably have a moment where you "relapse". Even worse, a lot of things that can impact your child's well being can happen in the womb where you have ZERO control.
This is a topic my therapist and I have discussed in stupid amounts of detail. And I've finally come to terms with the fact that:
A. I can't be perfect all the time, but I can be consistent
B. I had zero knowledge of my issues and the challenges of being hella depressed while pregnant would have on my 2nd child.
C. Our kids give us WAY more grace than we think.
But I will also point out that even if you snap, lose your temper, go crazy, say stupid shit... you are already MUCH different than the environment you were raised in. I bet you your parents never apologized when they fucked up (if they even admitted it). But we will. I do constantly. I own up to my mistakes and show my children what it means to properly apologize. Showing them that you can fuck up and that doesn't make you a bad human.
This teaches compassion, kindness, humility, and LOVE. They way WE love/will love our children is so drastically different than the way we were "loved" as children.
This is one measure of success you should have no fear in.
Go jump on tinder and maybe you'll find your girl... that's how I put a spell on my man... woops
That you write about your journey (and the pizza sabotage) so wonderfully is a joy and a hope. Thanks Nur. I also just want to agree with Taylor's comment. The fact that you are worried about traumatising your kids (why do Americans always misspell traumatise 🙂) is probably the reason you won't...or at least...no more than their path calls them to navigate. It is the nature of being a parent that your children will need to learn how to forgive you, for your mistakes...or should I say...for being human.
yeah, I'm inclined to agree at this point. I'm sure they'll be upset with me for more petty things but nothing quite unforgivable. My dogs like me well enough, anyway!
Powerful self-awareness here! I think my biggest self-sabotage is to expect rejection. This leads to not doing what I want to do. I think it is a bad habit that got installed in a childhood where there was a lot of rejection. I'm working on seeing life differently.
Your illustrations are awesome...is this Dall-E? Midjourney? Something else?
Thank you! I appreciate it. Dall-E!
You are very aware of the kind of parent you do not want to be, and that is a very good thing. You know what to look out for and can pause before modeling the behavior you experienced in your family. That’s an awareness your parents most probably did not have.
I don’t believe that I procrastinate due to a fear of success. I procrastinate when something is very important to me. I have a fear of doing it wrong or in some other way blow my one opportunity for success. Logically, I know that is not true, but I tend to overthink and angst before finally feeling comfortable enough to move forward. When something is not important, I am fearless and act quickly. Fortunately, I am getting better….
Thanks for sharing Cathy. I agree, it never really felt like they pondered much on what kidn of parent they'd be in an ideal situation. I've spoken to my dad about it in more recent years and he just always assumed that what his dad did was the correct thing to do.
My mother was so toxic. I haven’t spoken to her since she ruined my nieces funeral (that’s a story) then accused me to family that I never told her my daughter died (that’s another sorry. Thank god for call logs). I know I carry a lot of her personality traits and it used to terrify me when I had kids, that it would trickle down. But I look at it this way. I’m cognizant of it. And you will be too. And that makes all the difference in the entire world.
Taylor is right. It’s ok to mess up. I teach that to my kids too. What’s important is ; did you apologize? Are you working towards a solution?
That sounds like a nightmare. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that Courtney. Yeah, I'm getting the impression that the things I HAVENT been able to forgive completely yet are not things that I would likely do, anyways
I look at it this way. I don’t have to engage. But I know it comes from a place of hurt and sadness she doesn’t know how to deal with. When I was younger I used to get mad instead of accepting sadness as an emotion. I have to make sure I watch it and teach my children to deal with thier emotions in healthy ways
Give that good doge a pizza
Yesterday, in fact! I feel good when i eat a vegan diet with the meds i take. Yesterday, i couldnt help but eat all the wrong foods and felt lousy.
yeah, i've been noticing that more and more, too. My tolerance to certain foods is going down the tubes!
Hey Nur, this was an awesome read! As someone who recently started learning and implementing self compassion, this hits home for me. I really loved how you highlighted that procrastination is often a fear of success because I believe that’s one of the reasons why I procrastinated writing consistently. It required me to get out of my comfort zone and I was afraid of the responsibilities of success that would come with it. But I also had to do a lot of self evaluation to find out if writing was really my passion or not in order to break that fear. Thank you so much for sharing this! I feel like a lot of breaking our comfort zone and overcoming our fears is about figuring out what we actually want in life and from there, things get a little easier. ❤️💪
Embrace Chaos to create order 🤘
Damn
Thank you for being so vulnerable, Nur! And what great realizations around being afraid of success. I so can relate!
While reading your article, I was reminded of a book called "YES YES HELL NO" by Brian Whetten. Basically, Brian suggests our best goals are the ones where both our intuition and reason say YES, while our fear says "HELL NO."
In other words, it's so common to fear what we want. I have found that to be such a useful framing.
So brave! Wow thank you for sharing your story 🙏🏼
Nur, hi!
I'm new here...and I'm only half way through this piece but I needed to jump in RIGHT NOW.
1. You write with an elegance that makes me feel like I should not be reading in my wrinkled PJs. Your vocabulary is stunning-i've needed to use the dictionary 2x already.
2. It looks like everyone already weighed in on this BUT I STILL NEED TO JUMP ON THE BANDWAGON: "What if the stresses of certain moments activate not only the chaos loving side, but a side I don’t know about that will replicate exactly how my parents treated me?"
I was JUST talking about this VERY thing yesterday. I too, want to protect my precious, unscarred, chick-chick of a son, from this DOOM.
I think the fact that we are aware of it helps, and also- we get to create the environments our children grow up in. Yes there will be love, and yes there will also be other feels. It's all about making sure that we all feel safe enough to express those true colors. That's something I didn't have growing up. From reading half of your piece alone, I am pretty sure you score Expert at crafting safe spaces to show up in. You've got this in the bag.
My self-sabotage is always stopping right before a good thing becomes a habit. Starting to go to the gym regularly, I stop going. Drawing for five weeks in a row, stop drawing. Updating regularly on social media, starting gain a following, stop updating. Anytime I start to see the success of my efforts, that's when I stop. And it's been years of this rodeo. I loved this piece, thank you
I was always afraid I’d fuck kids up so I didn’t have them. Now I’m sad I didn’t (even though I can’t anyway) and it probably sounds weird but seeing how much my dogs have grown my heart has shown me that I probably would’ve been a good mom. I’m sure I’d mess up. All parents do, but I think the most important thing is having good intentions and open communication.
My big one is the sleep issues. I never knew there was a name for it in the Sleep Rebellion syndrome, but that's exactly what I have struggled with since earliest memory, which would be about 3.. Combine it with a body clock that wants to be working the 3 - 11 shift, Corporate has always been tough for me.
My sleep pattern was happiest when I was in the field as a Paramedic. We worked 24 hour shifts and the sleep is chaotic (at best) so it reflects your theme.
Your illustrations are wonderful, and make me realize I have your dog in my avatar...which I've imported from other places and have had for awhile.. Your dog is the corporeal embodiment of my fantasy dog!
Still, between that and your writing, you seem a kindred spirit whose Chaos is used for Good. I would encourage you to push past that 2 year relationship timeline that I feel you must have and let yourself flow peacefully into uncharted waters.
You have a dog. You are clearly able to sustain a loving relationship. Ones with people are weird as fuck, but if you've always gotten out of them, then the action that shoots yourself in the foot would be to remain and work on it. Right? Rebellion can be useful.
Sorry to have written a novel lol.