Beautifully said, Nur. Our parents didn’t know better. But we are gifted enough to have access to find help and heal ourselves. I can see you have done so much work on yourself. Happy to find someone who has been in the same path as I’m in now.
Great writing Nur! It sounds like you've actually "done the work" rather than just throwing out words--refreshing. I've found my root to also almost always be "fear to end up alone".
Love your authentic style bloom in your writing, Nur! I recently wrote about finding oneself too.
I viewed it as the Ship of Theseus. Where we constantly swap out parts of ourselves till we no more recognise the real us.
You have some beautiful findings there. I especially relate with the resentment part. I have held so much resentment for some of my friends because I feel (I still do), that they just got the worst out in me & I had to suppress parts of myself just to fit in.
And I’m a master people pleaser so I did all of that quite artfully as well. But never have I questioned my part in the story. This was 7 years ago.
I’m a much better, freer person now holding my ground and ruthlessly prioritising my authentic self in all situations. It’s so liberating!
Bookmarking for a later read/reflection. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Thanks so much for your kind words, Ishita! I'm glad to hear you've been making progress on your journey as well. Something I've learned recently is that putting our stories out there in the world, specifically the 'bad times', lessens their hold on us.
I was incidentally writing about the same (but I try to find some solace or a hidden lesson in these ‘bad times’, which at times feels too preachy for my own good).
But your observation sounds quite liberating. Going to try more of these. 🤝
Wow! This is an another amazing article! I read it all the way through which says a lot for me. I either am glued to writing or I read a paragraph and I'm on to the next. You have the gift to engage readers and your vulnerability connects to others in your writing.
I can relate to a few of your experiences. One was your experience with anxiety piece and wanting so much to be my true self. The other was being noticed for my appearance and gaining self esteem that way. It happened so fast and I was an awkward teen to being quite the opposite. I'm guilty to say I put much of my worth on that when I was younger. It's something people don't talk about and it affects us.
I have a couple years (ok decades) on you and I wish that I would've had your growth and self awareness when I was your age. I am aware now and better late than never
I commend your generation for making mental health a priority and self growth. Us Gen xrs and generations after me didn't not have that have that piece when we were growing up. We were taught to plow through and help for mental health was taboo. So kudos and thank you Millennials and Gen z for raising awareness for us.
I think about that often, honestly. What would have been different if I was born in a different generation, a different time. It's really sad to think people don't have the same resources we have today to help ourselves recover but at the same time I'm glad it's something you're still interested in and pursuing. A lot of people I know would write it off as it being too late for them, so I admire your tenacity
Those cute cat magnets, Here I thought you were a dog person. :)
Beautifully written. The way you have described your childhood matter of factly without portraying a victim or putting the blame on others reflects how you take accountability of your life. Kudos to you for taking charge of your life and finding your authentic self.
I am also working on freeing hold up emotions from past and it is work in progress but it feels peaceful.
I had such a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts reading this article! It takes such an incredible amount of self-reflection, awareness, vulnerability, courage, pinch of humour and grit to a) work through what you have worked through and b) share it in such a cohesive, compelling and relatable story.
Kudos to your professor and I am just so glad your soul picked up his very special nudge that initiated the bond between the two of you.
I am always fascinated how the coping mechanisms of your childhood develop (and yes, everyone has some no matter how hard the parents tried to do their best in their own abilities). Though my reasons, triggers and mechanisms are slightly different, I see myself in a lot of the things you mentioned and I think your story might just has been another puzzle piece in connecting some dots about the way we function how we function - or like you beautifully describe it: why sometimes we respond in different ways to the world and people around us then others.
I can confirm that talking to trusted people about the scenarios in which we feel super insecure about how another person might see us or suddenly feel resentment and guilt can have a massive impact on not only dealing with this very specific moment but also recalibrating some of our inner system to slowly start responding differently. It takes time though, like a muscle you train. And sometimes, you have a really good training session and another time, you end up slightly deranged underneath the barbell. But it’s worth it!
Interestingly, I did a lot of daydreaming like you did. I would escape in it while listening to music during car and bus rides or before falling asleep.
Although I learned over the years that these daydreams were part of coping mechanisms, too, I think a certain part in me still misses them up to today. Your post just reconfirmed that it’s actually a sign of healing and change that I no longer have to rely on them! Thanks, Nur!
Thanks for the very rich feedback, Fabienne. I always love hearing your opinions on my works because I feel like you've been through similar, albeit different, situations!
I wrote this Ishita earlier but the discovery that sharing our stories, the embarrassing and all, and putting it out there really feels like it helps lessen the hold it has over us
Ah I enjoyed this Nur. Randomly served to me on the bus to work. Nicely written and not too heavy or serious. What do you do when you feel quite playful inside as a person but everyone considers you too serious? I'm currently exploring my teenage self through putting my 1984 diary here on Substack. It's so interesting. Actually makes me feel good rather than bad about but has plenty of pointers to the roots of my personality. I've enjoyed meeting myself! https://open.substack.com/pub/sebastianmerrick
It’s a tricky one, honestly. I had the same issue in which I was constantly told I was ‘too serious’ but didn’t feel that way inside. On top of that, my attempts to play would be rejected and I felt like my wiring was just wrong.
I learned, that’s to a particularly harsh ex girlfriend, that it was just people misunderstanding anxiety responses and reacting in kind. Whilst experiencing anxiety around other people, it was just always interpreted as ‘being too serious’. It was definitely very frustrating!
I’ll take a look at your substack! It sounds interesting :)
Loved this Nur. The humour that sits close to the surface of the really really honest and vulnerable reflections you share is wonderful. The work you have done to get through and be yourself seems amazing. You are the guy I would love to sit down with for long cups of coffee and "figure out this shit" with. If you haven't read it yet (looks like that it is likely you have...but just in case) Parker J Palmer's A Hidden Wholeness is a wonderful book regarding holding what he calls the "tension" between who we want to be and who we are, or what you want a relationship to be and what it is. Thank you for writing as you do.
Ian I honestly don’t know what to say. The recognition of years of hard work and the mental and emotional work it took to be able to put this all out there in public means the world to me. I hope one day we do get to have one of those conversations face to face my friend.
I actually have not read that! I put your last book recommendation on my July book list and I’ll have to look into this one too now! 😄 my bookshelf will need a ‘Ian haycroft’ section at this rate!! 😂
Such a great read! I know from personal experience how hard it is to be vulnerable. The world needs more of this! More reality, more vulnerability, more honesty and less pretending that our lives are perfect. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I believe the more we share our experiences openly, it helps others to be able to do the same. And that my friend, will help the world heal ✌🏻
Darcy it is so incredibly humbling to hear feedback like this after taking the risk that is vulnerability in such an open domain. Your words mean the world and I hope you and I will continue to heal the world together
I'm convinced that most of us third world country kids are living almost similar lives. But it's true that we can't blame our parents for anything. They didn't know any better...they were just trying to survive and do the best they can.
Also, I'd like to say that you're one of the first people I followed when I started my Substack and I am finally binge reading your stories. And I'm hooked! The raw honesty and authenticity you bring to your writing is something that I strive to do. It was a great read throughout.
Thank you for your candor. One of the most freeing things when I was 19, was learning forgiveness and accepting it. It would set me free from trying to please others. Something you have to return to often, especially in times of trial.
Did you pop into my brain and siphon off words?! I relate SOOOO deeply to this post. From the beginning to the end. But most especially when you had your “glow up” it’s insane addicting and REALLY fucks with your mental health. Proud that both of us are so much healthier in many ways!!
Couldn’t agree more. The fact that I had a hard time even admitting that I resented certain people, let alone getting down to the fears, spoke volumes to me
Beautifully said, Nur. Our parents didn’t know better. But we are gifted enough to have access to find help and heal ourselves. I can see you have done so much work on yourself. Happy to find someone who has been in the same path as I’m in now.
Thank you, Shanjitha. It’s certainly a lot of work but as you can relate, the alternative would just be to live an objectively much worse life
Great writing Nur! It sounds like you've actually "done the work" rather than just throwing out words--refreshing. I've found my root to also almost always be "fear to end up alone".
Thank you Tania that really does mean a lot for someone to recognize and say that 🙏🏼
Love your authentic style bloom in your writing, Nur! I recently wrote about finding oneself too.
I viewed it as the Ship of Theseus. Where we constantly swap out parts of ourselves till we no more recognise the real us.
You have some beautiful findings there. I especially relate with the resentment part. I have held so much resentment for some of my friends because I feel (I still do), that they just got the worst out in me & I had to suppress parts of myself just to fit in.
And I’m a master people pleaser so I did all of that quite artfully as well. But never have I questioned my part in the story. This was 7 years ago.
I’m a much better, freer person now holding my ground and ruthlessly prioritising my authentic self in all situations. It’s so liberating!
Bookmarking for a later read/reflection. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Thanks so much for your kind words, Ishita! I'm glad to hear you've been making progress on your journey as well. Something I've learned recently is that putting our stories out there in the world, specifically the 'bad times', lessens their hold on us.
I was incidentally writing about the same (but I try to find some solace or a hidden lesson in these ‘bad times’, which at times feels too preachy for my own good).
But your observation sounds quite liberating. Going to try more of these. 🤝
Thank you for sharing this, Nur! I deal with guilt by overcompensating and people pleasing. Something I’m working on.
Oh that seems like a classic! Still something I am working on, too.
Wow! This is an another amazing article! I read it all the way through which says a lot for me. I either am glued to writing or I read a paragraph and I'm on to the next. You have the gift to engage readers and your vulnerability connects to others in your writing.
I can relate to a few of your experiences. One was your experience with anxiety piece and wanting so much to be my true self. The other was being noticed for my appearance and gaining self esteem that way. It happened so fast and I was an awkward teen to being quite the opposite. I'm guilty to say I put much of my worth on that when I was younger. It's something people don't talk about and it affects us.
I have a couple years (ok decades) on you and I wish that I would've had your growth and self awareness when I was your age. I am aware now and better late than never
I commend your generation for making mental health a priority and self growth. Us Gen xrs and generations after me didn't not have that have that piece when we were growing up. We were taught to plow through and help for mental health was taboo. So kudos and thank you Millennials and Gen z for raising awareness for us.
Thanks so much for the kind words, Jane!
I think about that often, honestly. What would have been different if I was born in a different generation, a different time. It's really sad to think people don't have the same resources we have today to help ourselves recover but at the same time I'm glad it's something you're still interested in and pursuing. A lot of people I know would write it off as it being too late for them, so I admire your tenacity
So true. I feel like the mental health system need to catch up too
Those cute cat magnets, Here I thought you were a dog person. :)
Beautifully written. The way you have described your childhood matter of factly without portraying a victim or putting the blame on others reflects how you take accountability of your life. Kudos to you for taking charge of your life and finding your authentic self.
I am also working on freeing hold up emotions from past and it is work in progress but it feels peaceful.
I had such a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts reading this article! It takes such an incredible amount of self-reflection, awareness, vulnerability, courage, pinch of humour and grit to a) work through what you have worked through and b) share it in such a cohesive, compelling and relatable story.
Kudos to your professor and I am just so glad your soul picked up his very special nudge that initiated the bond between the two of you.
I am always fascinated how the coping mechanisms of your childhood develop (and yes, everyone has some no matter how hard the parents tried to do their best in their own abilities). Though my reasons, triggers and mechanisms are slightly different, I see myself in a lot of the things you mentioned and I think your story might just has been another puzzle piece in connecting some dots about the way we function how we function - or like you beautifully describe it: why sometimes we respond in different ways to the world and people around us then others.
I can confirm that talking to trusted people about the scenarios in which we feel super insecure about how another person might see us or suddenly feel resentment and guilt can have a massive impact on not only dealing with this very specific moment but also recalibrating some of our inner system to slowly start responding differently. It takes time though, like a muscle you train. And sometimes, you have a really good training session and another time, you end up slightly deranged underneath the barbell. But it’s worth it!
Interestingly, I did a lot of daydreaming like you did. I would escape in it while listening to music during car and bus rides or before falling asleep.
Although I learned over the years that these daydreams were part of coping mechanisms, too, I think a certain part in me still misses them up to today. Your post just reconfirmed that it’s actually a sign of healing and change that I no longer have to rely on them! Thanks, Nur!
Thanks for the very rich feedback, Fabienne. I always love hearing your opinions on my works because I feel like you've been through similar, albeit different, situations!
I wrote this Ishita earlier but the discovery that sharing our stories, the embarrassing and all, and putting it out there really feels like it helps lessen the hold it has over us
Ah I enjoyed this Nur. Randomly served to me on the bus to work. Nicely written and not too heavy or serious. What do you do when you feel quite playful inside as a person but everyone considers you too serious? I'm currently exploring my teenage self through putting my 1984 diary here on Substack. It's so interesting. Actually makes me feel good rather than bad about but has plenty of pointers to the roots of my personality. I've enjoyed meeting myself! https://open.substack.com/pub/sebastianmerrick
It’s a tricky one, honestly. I had the same issue in which I was constantly told I was ‘too serious’ but didn’t feel that way inside. On top of that, my attempts to play would be rejected and I felt like my wiring was just wrong.
I learned, that’s to a particularly harsh ex girlfriend, that it was just people misunderstanding anxiety responses and reacting in kind. Whilst experiencing anxiety around other people, it was just always interpreted as ‘being too serious’. It was definitely very frustrating!
I’ll take a look at your substack! It sounds interesting :)
Loved this Nur. The humour that sits close to the surface of the really really honest and vulnerable reflections you share is wonderful. The work you have done to get through and be yourself seems amazing. You are the guy I would love to sit down with for long cups of coffee and "figure out this shit" with. If you haven't read it yet (looks like that it is likely you have...but just in case) Parker J Palmer's A Hidden Wholeness is a wonderful book regarding holding what he calls the "tension" between who we want to be and who we are, or what you want a relationship to be and what it is. Thank you for writing as you do.
Ian I honestly don’t know what to say. The recognition of years of hard work and the mental and emotional work it took to be able to put this all out there in public means the world to me. I hope one day we do get to have one of those conversations face to face my friend.
I actually have not read that! I put your last book recommendation on my July book list and I’ll have to look into this one too now! 😄 my bookshelf will need a ‘Ian haycroft’ section at this rate!! 😂
Such a great read! I know from personal experience how hard it is to be vulnerable. The world needs more of this! More reality, more vulnerability, more honesty and less pretending that our lives are perfect. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I believe the more we share our experiences openly, it helps others to be able to do the same. And that my friend, will help the world heal ✌🏻
Darcy it is so incredibly humbling to hear feedback like this after taking the risk that is vulnerability in such an open domain. Your words mean the world and I hope you and I will continue to heal the world together
I'm convinced that most of us third world country kids are living almost similar lives. But it's true that we can't blame our parents for anything. They didn't know any better...they were just trying to survive and do the best they can.
Also, I'd like to say that you're one of the first people I followed when I started my Substack and I am finally binge reading your stories. And I'm hooked! The raw honesty and authenticity you bring to your writing is something that I strive to do. It was a great read throughout.
Thank you so much Sonaakshi! Yeah, I agree with you that we all seem to experience something similar. Third world Asia is a wild place 😝
What a brilliant exercise to do! Having a great morning reading your writing ☀️✌️
Thank you for the kind words Hannah I really appreciate it
Thank you for your candor. One of the most freeing things when I was 19, was learning forgiveness and accepting it. It would set me free from trying to please others. Something you have to return to often, especially in times of trial.
depends which you…
Did you pop into my brain and siphon off words?! I relate SOOOO deeply to this post. From the beginning to the end. But most especially when you had your “glow up” it’s insane addicting and REALLY fucks with your mental health. Proud that both of us are so much healthier in many ways!!
I never saw this my bad. hell yeah to being healthier!! and yeah the glow up took me years to really adjust to
I really like the resentment exercise. Fear and resentment drive so much of our pain.
Couldn’t agree more. The fact that I had a hard time even admitting that I resented certain people, let alone getting down to the fears, spoke volumes to me