I write a lot of articles that have a frustratingly similar theme - being harmed by men.
Every time I see a man who has learned how to feel things (not saying I was much better at feeling, though) it’s like adding a tally to a different set of stories.
Your stories make me want to open up my past so that I can be free of my shame self too. I literally had tears relating to how I had felt the same several times.
Hey Shanjitha - I wanted to think about this a bit longer before replying so pardon the delay.
My first question to you would be: have you tried writing it down at all, yet? I don’t think it’s necessary to take the leap to show it all to the world if you aren’t ready. Getting it out there, though, on paper alone, helps a lot! I’m happy you could relate so deeply only so I can be an example of what’s possible.
This is the kind of stuff that used to be ‘take it to the grave’ level shame but another question I’d pose is: can you imagine if someone responded to this with negative comments? They’d have to be a giant piece of trash to do and even if they did, they’re just outing themselves as such. I think at a certain point we have to ask ourselves: what exactly are we afraid of
Thank you, Nur for taking the time to give me such a valuable answer. Your reply made me think deep. I’ve written a lot. Sometimes I find myself repeating the same stories again and again. Some parts I’m ready to talk about. Yet, there are a few parts that I’m not ready to share. Yes, these are the parts that can’t take a negative comment. So, I wouldn’t share them. And the last question: I’m afraid of being judged when I’m the one who is wounded.
This could be written for Midwesterners. We are raised to not have emotion, be seen not heard. I was in therapy when I started painting and remember asking the therapist if it was okay to do something that wasn’t “productive.” I needed permission to spend time painting!! I still don’t have the ability to journal (weird hang up) but am also not yelling at people in meetings anymore so some progress is being made. It takes a lifetime to erase the trauma of living. Good post Nur!
Oh my lord you just brought back memories. I'll have to write something deeper about this later but feeling guilty doing anything that 'wasn't productive' was the worst. 'It takes a lifetime to erase the trauma of living' - yeah... it really, really does
Thank you, thank you Nur...now that was a journey!!! Just reading it was both exhausting and liberating. I just know that there are so so so many people who can relate to this, and your honesty and vulnerability will be like a balm for so many. My favourite words from your article...."The only way out is through". Just beautiful. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I grew up in a very religious and conservative home. I have had to supress so many emotions. I was sensitive, I was creative, I wasn't like my family and that's what set me apart and made me stronger. It has made you stronger. It doesn't always feel that way though, I know.
I know this world can be wildly unfair to women, but man, it was hard growing up and finding your identity as a man amidst all those “manly” expectations.
Very powerful, thanks for sharing. For me it’s been therapy, has been for 11 years now. In fact, I’ve since trained as a therapist because it was so life changing 😊
What a wild story! It’s incredible you came through all that and learned all you did instead of continuing down the other path. I can relate a lot - I used to bury all my emotions. Alcohol, weed, sometimes other drugs, anything to numb the pain and also honestly to be less shy and connect with people because that was hard to do since I was so disconnected from myself. Eventually I had to face it all, and it was really, really difficult. This story must’ve been hard to write. I felt like I was there, so I can’t imagine all the emotions that came up while writing. Loved reading about your journey ♥️
The less shy and to connect thing really got me, too. Thank you for your kind words Suzanne. I'm going to have to go take a closer look at your work now! seems we might have a lot in common
You’re a great storyteller. I especially enjoyed hearing you narrate the story in your own voice. It gave me a sense of relief and hope during the tenser moments in the story like when you erupted in anger towards your dad, by reminding me there was a happy ending to your saga, but also, that today you are comfortable talking about it, even joking about it. It sounds like you’ve come a long way and I wish you the best. Thank you for continuing to share your story with us!
Thank you for this wonderful article! I think journaling is the biggest one for me but I also rely on long walks and other individual activities that take me away from distraction.
'Anything to put on this false image of masculine stoicism.'
It just shows how important it is that parents and core family units raise and help develop their kids' emotions in a healthy, compassionate way.
Such regressive, harmful ways of thinking and expectations of both genders have no place in our modern society and have got to go. It's high time we evolved past such irrational ways of thinking.
Sorry to hear about your emotional hardships during childhood, Nadar.
This was great. I relate so much (as you knew I would), and I like that you read it and laughed along while you were doing so.
I’ve also been brought to tears by the stories I write here - almost every single one, for a different but similar reason - and it’s probably been the first time I’ve actually allowed myself to acknowledge that I am fucking pissed off. Partly because I’m finally safe enough within myself to feel my anger, and also partly because there’s just no avoiding it anymore. It’s very uncomfortable, but I read something today that the angrier you are the funnier you should try to be…so I’m playing with that. Why not a little comedy :)
Glad to connect with you and I resonate so much with the sharing the stories you don’t want anyone to know, because that’s what I’m doing, too. The poison of shame is no longer welcome here.
It's definitely a challenging journey, to say the least. There's definitely a catharsis in writing it all down. How are you channeling your anger? Anything fun?
Wonderful article. Can't state enough how much I can relate. When my father passed I kept a painting of a growling tiger he did to reclaim that "rage face". Being a level 60 Paladin was a nice escape.
It takes a lot to be that open… Based off your story it’s quite a feat to be that comfortable with your emotions and story already. To be able to clearly walk us through and help us to understand the reasons behind why you had these frustrated and conflicting feelings deep down. (Well at least In my mind Covid wasn’t that long ago.) I’m glad you were able to find a way through with meditation. Thanks for sharing 😊
I write a lot of articles that have a frustratingly similar theme - being harmed by men.
Every time I see a man who has learned how to feel things (not saying I was much better at feeling, though) it’s like adding a tally to a different set of stories.
Appreciate you opening up.
Your stories make me want to open up my past so that I can be free of my shame self too. I literally had tears relating to how I had felt the same several times.
Hey Shanjitha - I wanted to think about this a bit longer before replying so pardon the delay.
My first question to you would be: have you tried writing it down at all, yet? I don’t think it’s necessary to take the leap to show it all to the world if you aren’t ready. Getting it out there, though, on paper alone, helps a lot! I’m happy you could relate so deeply only so I can be an example of what’s possible.
This is the kind of stuff that used to be ‘take it to the grave’ level shame but another question I’d pose is: can you imagine if someone responded to this with negative comments? They’d have to be a giant piece of trash to do and even if they did, they’re just outing themselves as such. I think at a certain point we have to ask ourselves: what exactly are we afraid of
Thank you, Nur for taking the time to give me such a valuable answer. Your reply made me think deep. I’ve written a lot. Sometimes I find myself repeating the same stories again and again. Some parts I’m ready to talk about. Yet, there are a few parts that I’m not ready to share. Yes, these are the parts that can’t take a negative comment. So, I wouldn’t share them. And the last question: I’m afraid of being judged when I’m the one who is wounded.
This could be written for Midwesterners. We are raised to not have emotion, be seen not heard. I was in therapy when I started painting and remember asking the therapist if it was okay to do something that wasn’t “productive.” I needed permission to spend time painting!! I still don’t have the ability to journal (weird hang up) but am also not yelling at people in meetings anymore so some progress is being made. It takes a lifetime to erase the trauma of living. Good post Nur!
Oh my lord you just brought back memories. I'll have to write something deeper about this later but feeling guilty doing anything that 'wasn't productive' was the worst. 'It takes a lifetime to erase the trauma of living' - yeah... it really, really does
Yesssssss. Literally still battling this some days
Thank you, thank you Nur...now that was a journey!!! Just reading it was both exhausting and liberating. I just know that there are so so so many people who can relate to this, and your honesty and vulnerability will be like a balm for so many. My favourite words from your article...."The only way out is through". Just beautiful. Thank you.
Thank you as always Iain. I really, really appreciate your comments every single time :)
Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I grew up in a very religious and conservative home. I have had to supress so many emotions. I was sensitive, I was creative, I wasn't like my family and that's what set me apart and made me stronger. It has made you stronger. It doesn't always feel that way though, I know.
I know this world can be wildly unfair to women, but man, it was hard growing up and finding your identity as a man amidst all those “manly” expectations.
Very powerful, thanks for sharing. For me it’s been therapy, has been for 11 years now. In fact, I’ve since trained as a therapist because it was so life changing 😊
You're doing great work, Thomas! I look forward to checking out your stuff
What a wild story! It’s incredible you came through all that and learned all you did instead of continuing down the other path. I can relate a lot - I used to bury all my emotions. Alcohol, weed, sometimes other drugs, anything to numb the pain and also honestly to be less shy and connect with people because that was hard to do since I was so disconnected from myself. Eventually I had to face it all, and it was really, really difficult. This story must’ve been hard to write. I felt like I was there, so I can’t imagine all the emotions that came up while writing. Loved reading about your journey ♥️
The less shy and to connect thing really got me, too. Thank you for your kind words Suzanne. I'm going to have to go take a closer look at your work now! seems we might have a lot in common
You’re a great storyteller. I especially enjoyed hearing you narrate the story in your own voice. It gave me a sense of relief and hope during the tenser moments in the story like when you erupted in anger towards your dad, by reminding me there was a happy ending to your saga, but also, that today you are comfortable talking about it, even joking about it. It sounds like you’ve come a long way and I wish you the best. Thank you for continuing to share your story with us!
Thank you for this wonderful article! I think journaling is the biggest one for me but I also rely on long walks and other individual activities that take me away from distraction.
Journaling is a great one for sure!
Funny how these things come out sideways or as a physical symptom, often decades later, if we don't take care of them... isnt it?!!
Thank you!!!
Thank you for sharing this, I found art helps me to relax and get any unexpressed emotion out (lots of anger still sadly too).
'Anything to put on this false image of masculine stoicism.'
It just shows how important it is that parents and core family units raise and help develop their kids' emotions in a healthy, compassionate way.
Such regressive, harmful ways of thinking and expectations of both genders have no place in our modern society and have got to go. It's high time we evolved past such irrational ways of thinking.
Sorry to hear about your emotional hardships during childhood, Nadar.
This was great. I relate so much (as you knew I would), and I like that you read it and laughed along while you were doing so.
I’ve also been brought to tears by the stories I write here - almost every single one, for a different but similar reason - and it’s probably been the first time I’ve actually allowed myself to acknowledge that I am fucking pissed off. Partly because I’m finally safe enough within myself to feel my anger, and also partly because there’s just no avoiding it anymore. It’s very uncomfortable, but I read something today that the angrier you are the funnier you should try to be…so I’m playing with that. Why not a little comedy :)
Glad to connect with you and I resonate so much with the sharing the stories you don’t want anyone to know, because that’s what I’m doing, too. The poison of shame is no longer welcome here.
It's definitely a challenging journey, to say the least. There's definitely a catharsis in writing it all down. How are you channeling your anger? Anything fun?
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C8bBr3AgBOx/?igsh=b21yenc3Z3h0aHh5
Lmaoooo
Wonderful article. Can't state enough how much I can relate. When my father passed I kept a painting of a growling tiger he did to reclaim that "rage face". Being a level 60 Paladin was a nice escape.
Thank you so much for saying so. I agree, ganking people as a level 60 rogue was wonderful
It takes a lot to be that open… Based off your story it’s quite a feat to be that comfortable with your emotions and story already. To be able to clearly walk us through and help us to understand the reasons behind why you had these frustrated and conflicting feelings deep down. (Well at least In my mind Covid wasn’t that long ago.) I’m glad you were able to find a way through with meditation. Thanks for sharing 😊
Thank you my friend. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment!