Operating at the pace of pain

The dangers of living a reactive life and three methods to take back control

‘Why the hell do I feel like this right now?’.

My muscles were tight, my breathing shallow, my posture cramped and restrictive.

‘Why am I even doing this? It’s not going to go anywhere this is a total waste of my time. I’m just going to abandon it anyways and…’

Pause

Of all the skills I’ve learned in this life, the ability to catch, and more importantly put a stop to, when my thoughts are in a negative spiral, is by far my favorite.

‘Wait. Why DO I feel like this right now? Why ARE my thoughts running rampant in such a negative direction?’

I sat up straight in a much more expansive posture, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and let that higher voice take over.

‘Why do you feel this way? Why are your thoughts spiraling? Dude, Nur, you’ve been sitting on Substack for like three weeks straight and neglecting SO MUCH of your daily routine. Of course this is the result’.

When I started out on here, I discovered a plethora of information and my brain just wanted to devour all of it. Who are these people? This isn’t just a platform for hosting my stuff? Why am I seeing these people in particular? Why is this person getting so many ‘likes’ opposed to this person? Why does my page look like dogshit compared to this person’s? Why do my ‘Notes’ make me feel like I’m yelling into the void? How do I attract an audience organically? And on, and on, and on.

I’m aggressively curious to a fault sometimes but I found myself completely entranced by this platform and as a result, my time sitting on my computer, or my time hunched over staring at my phone screen, skyrocketed. I mean, that’s okay, honestly. I found a place I was really vibing with and a place where I could finally be more serious about my writing. Also, I was meeting SO MANY new people. Neglecting my routine, or ‘making sacrifices’ as I like to call it when I want to feel cool, was a natural consequence of this new journey I’d found myself embarking on. It all felt very justified.

No matter how justified this neglect felt and regardless of what words I used to romanticize it, I still found myself feeling annoyed and disappointed in myself. I was operating at the pace of pain.

A sober friend in recovery once introduced me to this phrase. Instead of going to AA meetings every day, keeping in touch with his sponsor and friends in the program, and working the steps, he would wait until he felt himself spiraling and craving a drink to take action.

I drew the parallel to preventative care versus curative care. Was I taking my proverbial medication to keep myself healthy or was I rushing to the Urgent Care every time something felt slightly off?

Right now, I feel like a firefighter sprinting to put out one metaphorical fire after another. I’ve spent my day struggling to write this, making jokes on Notes about writing woes, and scanning my life to see what I had stopped doing. I rely on my routine to prime me for handling the challenges life throws at me and for me to be the best I can be at whatever it is I’m doing.

Of course I was struggling this much. I had stopped doing the routine listed below and was facing specific, obvious consequences as a result. These are the things I did every day because not only did they prime me, but I also feel my happiest when I have this routine in my life.

I stopped:

ACTIVITY: CONSEQUENCE

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• Reading : I felt less inspired. Especially when writing!

• Meditating: I was noticeably more scatterbrained and less at peace

• Journaling: I felt emotionally stuffier. I felt like I was holding too much inside

• Stretching: My hip flexors and lower back will never forgive me

• Grooming: I didn’t feel nearly as good about myself

Reactive living is no way to live at all. It doesn’t make me feel good. So, how do I plan on tackling this and returning to a more proactive lifestyle? Well, here are a few ideas I’ve come up with that I hope will help you too.

1. Practice Mindfulness

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Mindfulness is the skill that allows me to catch my thoughts when they begin to wig out and take me down a road I don’t want to go down. I also think our thoughts become so negative when we’re out of whack as a way to make us realize that we’re not treating ourselves with the love and care we require to thrive. Taking care of ourselves is the most profound expression of self-love that there is, and our brains won’t hesitate to alarm us when we stop expressing it.

Mindfulness is also the skill that allows me to pause for a moment and scan through my week. It’s what allows me to create that space and mentally recap what I’d been doing that week and more importantly, in this case, what I haven’t been doing. It very obviously saved my hide and pulled me back to reality, so I plan on doubling down and strengthening this skill even further. Besides, as some of my favorite quotes would say:

“If you do not have time to meditate for five minutes, then you must meditate for one hour.” - Zen Proverb

"I have so much to accomplish today that I must meditate for two hours instead of one." - Gandhi

Bear really didn’t want to give back the firefighting gear

2. Take a step back

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I’ve heard so much about dopamine overload and the concept of dopamine detoxing, but I never took them very seriously. I’m quick to dismiss these things because as a child of the internet, I’ve seen so many fads and trends blow up with nothing to scientifically back them up. What made me give this one a chance? Well, Substack did.

I’m extremely lucky and extremely grateful to have met so many awesome people so quickly on this platform and hit milestones way faster than I could have ever hoped for. It’s been an amazing experience, and I genuinely can’t wait to see what lies ahead. As awesome as it has been, there’s definitely a drawback to SO much all happening at once.

All the likes and comments and introductions, all the massive numbers on the notifications and direct messaging icons, it was as mentally overwhelming as it was wildly seductive. I could feel my brain being overloaded but it was too late for me. I was fully seduced. Also, having stopped doing the daily habits that help me unwind and healthily detach, I was an overstimulated, burnt brained barnacle.

“Sometimes the best solution is to rest, relax and recharge. It’s hard to be your best on empty” - Sam Glenn

Moving forward, I plan on taking a bit of a step back and making the things that help me unwind a priority over the seductiveness of the living, breathing enchantress we know as Substack.

3. Reprioritize and write more

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I’ve found that it’s important to take opportunities at least once a month to really sit down and write out our priorities. What is most important to us right now? What kind of progress have I been making on my goals? Am I focusing on the right things or am I being carried away by instant gratification?

At the end of the day, I’m here to write. Yes, writing this in this weaker state has been monumentally challenging, but it’s what I’m here to do. The following quotes express how I felt all day better than I ever could:

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”  -Ernest Hemmingway

“Writing is easy: All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.”  -Gene Fowler

I know that this is a natural consequence of this art form. Writing and resistance may as well be a package deal. That’s why it’s so important to prime ourselves, give ourselves the rest and relaxation we need when we find ourselves overstimulated, and to consistently check in with ourselves to make sure we’re doing what it is we set out to do.

I’m here to write. I’ve been massively enjoying the social side of Substack and I’ll continue to do so at a different pace but it’s time to step back from that side of things and return to the long process of mastering my craft.

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What are some methods you employ to center yourself? How do you prime yourself to go through life at your best? I’d love to hear yall’s strategies in the comments!

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Quote I’m currently mulling over:

“Turning pro is free, but it’s not easy. When we turn pro, we give up a life that we may have become extremely comfortable with. We give up a self that we have come to identify with and to call our own.

When we say “turn pro,” we don’t mean literally that from this day we will work only for money. We mean change our mindset. An amateur approaches her work like an amateur. A pro approaches her work like a pro. An amateur has amateur habits. A pro has professional habits. You don’t have to take a course or get a certificate to turn pro. All you have to do is change your mind.”

Stephen Pressfield